Static Zombie

That's GOTTA Hurt

I have seen the future, and it is Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (9 PM Saturdays, TNN). Someday all of the world's conflicts will be solved with painful physical elimination stunts. The Iraqi and American armies will be issued helmets and kneepads and sent charging at a series of doorways, some covered with paper and others with hardwood. Those who choose correctly will advance to the next stunt, swinging from a rope and dropping onto a small floating platform. Then storming a hill while dodging enormous rolling boulders. And so forth, until only one side remains to impose a strict totalitarian regime or capitalist nirvana on the populace. The proceedings will be closely monitored by flamboyantly dressed Japanese men, and overdubbed in irreverant English non-sequitirs for laughs. The most painful eliminations will be recapped at the end, and at 2AM it will be the most hysterical thing you'll have ever seen and the neighbors will call the police to quiet the howls of laughter. The revolution WILL be televised, and it will be dubbed.